Confession of a Single Mother

It’s a tough road. It’s hard being both parents at the same time. I don’t know how, the theory is always easier than practical. People around me are pointing fingers, and saying stuffs behind my back. For a mistake that I did, I was’t forgiven, for a mistake that I did because I once believed that true love conquers all. With a man that I love, whom I thought he loves me too. With a man that I vow to marry him with the ring. With a man, that I truly believed that I could start a family with. 

That doesn’t take long, to realises that he grew up in a family that is materialistic, to realises that his parents is happy that he married me because my wallet is fatter. Who would have knew that what he say he won’t becomes actually means that he is already like what he say he is. The constance asking money from me by his parents have force me to use up all my savings that I keep for the kid that I was carrying. There goes downhill, when there is not income and outcome, when you see your account balance from 5 digits to only 2 digits left, that’s when all the stress comes in. The times when I rejected his family, when I didn’t want to ask my parents for more money. I was being yelled at, I was taking in all the negative vibes.

There’s a Chinese saying, when you married off to your husband family, at his house, you are the outsider and since you are married off, at your parent’s house, you are the outsider too. & that’s basically what happened. I was being left alone, with my baby in my womb. I was being told as a wife I couldn’t help my husband in whatever situation he’s in, I failed. I was being told as a daughter in law I couldn’t listen well to my husband’s family, I failed. 

i was told that, if i don’t want to give money to them. he will divorce me. 

How silly of me. Thinking that after welcoming baby to the world everything will be better. But it didn’t, it went worst. Because I have used up all my savings on someone else who could fend for themselves. My helpless kid that could only depend on me, got nothing. I couldn’t give her anything. I have to struggle about how i’m going to feed her, how i’m going to give her the life that I want her to go through, after all, she didn’t ask to be born. I couldn’t have the chance to take care of my own body during confinement, I was tired beyond words. I was battling with emotions and physical torture. 

After crying for almost the whole entire confinement, I was drained. I gave up in life. I had one thought, and that’s to die. I tried to work things out, I tried to find back that badass bitch attitude that I once had. I went back drinking and shit. But because at the back of my head, I want to give my kid the life. I even went to work. While trying to find myself back and handling a kid. I lost my way. 

I questioned myself, am i okay? 

I do not have the answer. 

Back at home, I have never being forgive for the mistake i done and for the good I did, I wasn’t being praise. What people see, is me who doesn’t seems to learn her mistake. Someone who still want to play, someone who is taking things for granted. But who knew, how many times that I have cried drinking alone, how many times that I have tried to kill myself, and how many times I have decides to stop whining and continue to be better, and how many times i don’t give up.  

They didn’t, in fact they failed me as one, that does not make me do better, discouragement and blaming only make things worst. They don’t see the struggles that I am going through, they only want me to do what they thing is right. 

How am I less a human. How am I suppose not be tired. 

Just because you have your partner beside you to help you out, and just because you go through the phase of being a parents, you would know exactly how I am suppose to behave. 

Because at the end of the day, I’m alone. There’s only one me in this parents. 

It has been three years, back in 2016 I have post this here.